—How much did I struggle?
I had experienced childbirth four times before.
There is no doubt that it was still physically and emotionally easier than any of those times.
But even so, the great task of bringing life into the world was no easy task, and I think it took several hours.
When I gave birth to it with one final push, I thought, “Ah, finally…”.
The midwife took the baby and patted it on the bum, and the child let out a first cry “Ogyaa, ogyaa!”.
Looking back, I feel that this moment in my life, the moment after the birth, was the most fulfilling experience of my life.
Perhaps it was the fact that it was originally a family affair, or it was because it was the right thing to do that no one could deny, but I had given birth to my children with a clean conscience.
That’s probably why I ended up having four children… I’ve never had any regrets.
This time again, I don’t fully understand how it all happened, but I still had no regrets.
I gave birth securely.
Such thoughts were welling up in my chest.
“Elaine…! You did well! Our Farrens family’s first child… and the birth of our first son! Ah, of course, it would be nice to have a girl, but there are some mean old ladies in the family… well, anyway, you’ve done really well…!”
A young man beside me on the bed, who held my hand during the whole process of childbirth and kept encouraging me, strongly, told me this.
How could I not know who he was?
He is a beautiful man with long silver hair with a slight bluish tinge, known as the “supreme silver”, which is only found in the Duke of Farrens family, and eyes that are sweet, yet stern and wise.
He is the lord of the family Farrens, the Duke Farrens himself, and my husband, Clément Fahrens.
But even though I knew his face and name well, it was still strange to see him standing there.
Because he should have been executed before I was killed by Lily.
And yet, he is definitely there.
And he looks much younger than he did back then.
Yes, he is young.
Roughly… around 20 years old?
That’s about how old I am.
That fact makes me guess correctly the situation I am in now.
I mean, am I not… back in those days?
Back to the time when Clément was around twenty, and I was also around that age…
That would mean that I was in Lily’s hands when I was.
I think, fifty or so, so I’ve gone back in time by about thirty years.
And speaking of that time… that was exactly the age when I gave birth to my first son, no doubt.
When Clement and I got married, we were both eighteen, in other words, right after we graduated from the Academy of Magic… it all fits together.
It made sense.
And when I realize this, I realize an even more frightening fact.
In other words, that I… would be killed by Lily… thirty years from now.
Will I have to repeat that despair?
Just thinking about it makes my heart tear up.
But a simple solution also quickly came to mind.
The simple fact is that I was killed by Lily’s hand.
By the hand of my second daughter, or fourth child.
So, if I rewind back in time and from this stage, now that I’ve finally had my first child… if I decide not to have any more children, it means I won’t have to go through that.
It is not impossible for me to strongly argue to my husband that I have just now given birth to my first son, and that I have no further obligations as a noblewoman, and to withdraw straight into the convent.
So, if I was going to act as if I valued my life, I should probably do so, no doubt.
Strangely enough, I had no desire to do so.
On the contrary, I felt that I had to give birth to four children… I even felt a sense of duty to do so.
Those children were certainly born into this world as they were meant to be born.
It’s a story about the future, but that doesn’t mean I can just pretend that it didn’t happen.
So what I have to do… is not to not give birth to them, but to live well so that I will not be killed by Lily.
It’s not something I can’t do, I think.
I’ve died once, regretted everything, and am now determined to change my mind and fate.
The reason why Lily killed me in the first place, and the reason this family of the Duke of Farrens went so far as to be destroyed, is that I had planned to overthrow the country, and almost succeeded in that plan until halfway through.
Ultimately it failed, and Lily was probably sent to kill me as a consequence of being blamed for it.
If so, I should never have committed such a major crime in the first place.
If I had raised my children properly and with love, then they would not have been killed, and the dukes would not have ended up destroyed.
If there is a problem, it is that there seems to be a so-called “divine destiny” or “destiny of the world” or something like that?
This is something I heard about as an education in the process of learning magic.
In other words, the general flow of the world is decided by the gods and the world from the beginning, and it is difficult to deviate from it even if you try.
It is also said that the great sages in ancient times used space-time magic to confirm this.
From that point of view, it was possible that my fate to be killed by Lily and the fate of the Duke’s family had been decided from the beginning.
Of course, not everything we do is predestined, so it may be possible to change them as trivial matters for the gods and the world…
But I shouldn’t be too careless.
It could happen, and we should proceed on that basis from now on.
And if that is the case, what I have to do now…
Well, I’m going to be really busy.
But it was not so hard to think about this.
Once again, I can start my life, which is filled with lies and tyranny, from the very beginning.
I am now 20 years old.
Back then, I was certainly not a kind person, but even so, I was not the kind of person who would plot the overthrow of the country….
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